Balancing act

Calming the work-life chaos.

By Marissa Yaremich

Each day you battle hours and minutes to balance your career, family, friends, school, purchasing power and—if you find an extra nanosecond or two (ooh!)— personal time. But most nights you lay down at the end of a long day feeling defeated. You have it all, so why can’t you enjoy it?

Trying to achieve calm among the work-life chaos is predominantly America’s cultural signpost, says Dr. David J. Palmiter, Ph.D., ABPP, clinical psychologist and author of Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies That Make a Difference. Unlike our European and Eastern counterparts, Palmiter says many overworked Americans fail to step back from their hectic schedules to re-prioritize what they truly want out of life.

“So many households are going up in flames” as a result, says Palmiter. “The oxygen masks have long since dropped; all the oxygen is going to the kids, and the parents are wobbly from the lack of attention to self and romance.”

Single and childless individuals fare no better as they try to manage competing demands on their time. In fact, sometimes it’s worse for them because employers expect they can work even longer hours or travel more, adds Kathy McDonald, work-life balance expert and author of Creating Your Life Collage: Strategies for Solving the Work/Life Dilemma.

We all get wrapped up in our “puritanical approach to work,” says McDonald, mostly because it is the one thing people can measure in terms of their accomplishments, both professionally and materialistically. Measuring whether someone is a good mother, father or child is simply intangible, she says.

Evaluation begets equilibrium

The first step for people to reclaim equalized happiness with their work and personal lives is to remember balance is possible, it’s just how you approach it, says McDonald. “You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at the same time. At different stages of your life, you have to ask yourself: What do I want to do now?” she says.

Moreover, she adds, “time management and productivity tools won’t work until we address the underlying cause of our mindset. Then we can put our to-do list in its proper perspective, making conscious choices.”

In his book and related workshops, Palmiter advises people to imagine their funerals to consider their overall goals compared to the narrower, weekly goals, like making money or cleaning the house. “The gift of death to the living is perspective,” he explains.

The why of unbalance

There are many reasons for work-life unbalance. Working men are often stuck in the archaic paradigm that they must be the family’s (or future family’s) breadwinners despite the increase of successful women in the workforce, says Cameron Phillips, founder of Bettermen Solutions.

Working women are often stuck in the paradigm that they must be the primary caregivers.

ShrinkYourWorkWeek.com founder Shari McGuire finds her clients overextend their work hours because they harbor fear—fear of losing a job or disappointing loved ones. Others fall into that cultural trap or ingrained mindset that working until “burn out” is normal. They won’t “speak up” to their bosses to find a better work schedule solution because they dismiss their right to engage in life’s pleasures. “Work with your boss and talk about what your work objectives are for the year,” says McGuire.

Phillips agrees and suggests you “present a well-thought-out, altered schedule proposal to your boss.” This also requires spouses to communicate the tradeoffs of a reduced work schedule and possibly less pay, he says.

“You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at the same time. At different stages of your life, you have to ask yourself: What do I want to do now?”

Kathy McDonald, author of Creating Your Life Collage: Strategies for Solving the Work/Life Dilemma

Shandon Harbour, president of SDA Security, advises that employers not only accept the work-life balances demanded by today’s employees, but also suggests that people ask employers during the interview process to explain how they value work-life balance to ensure they don’t sacrifice their happiness for a paycheck.

“You can honestly say work-life balance is achieved when you’ve created a scenario in your life, given all its burdens and responsibilities, that allows you to be as productive on the work front as on the home front, regardless of gender,” says Phillips. In fact, Phillips, who works on improving employee retention and avoiding job burnout, notes in his study “Work Life Balance: A Working Father’s Perspective,” that employers can save $15 billion annually via employee retention, reduced absenteeism, etc., by helping men and women find balance.

Scrap your old schedule

If your job still demands a lot of your time every week, these experts say there are plenty of ways to control your schedule without it controlling you.

First, McGuire advises inking in, not penciling, work-life events such as a child’s dance class, date night with a spouse or lunch with a friend, and sticking to them until balance becomes a natural part of your lifestyle.

Palmiter believes setting aside “special time” with a child not only makes a parent feel less guilty about working so much, but also nurtures a valuable familial attachment.

Phillips also advises parents to schedule “work time” with their children. Dad, for example, works on his laptop while the child works on her homework thereby sending the child the message that she is important, but that both can do their work.

Parents or loved ones also can set a cell phone alarm 15 minutes before your child is scheduled to take a test so you can send a text message wishing her luck.

“In spousal relationships, work-life balance falls apart when we are not feeling appreciated,” says Phillips. “So take a moment twice a day to hug your spouse like you mean it.”

Tiffany Powell, of Surprise, Arizona, says she sees the benefit of mentally or literally scheduling things in her personal life to achieve balance. In addition to her and her husband pursuing master’s degrees, Powell runs her own bookkeeping and accounting business while trying to help care for her mother, who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer.